The Metaphors to Healing

I grew up in a family environment of secrecy. On the outside, it was about perfection and status, both religiously and monetarily. Inside, secret pain and abuse was happening within our extended family unit. I knew from the a young age that things weren’t right. I didn’t belong in the family. I was small, but felt so much bigger than everyone in my family. I felt exposed, as if people could see inside of me.

I knew to keep quiet and stay out of the way when problems arose. I learned codependency in the forms of people pleasing, reading the energy of a room to know how to manage adult emotions, and I knew not to be a burden. I knew when I decided to tell the truth about sexual abuse that was happening inside the family that I would be blowing our worlds apart. I was labeled as brainwashed, dramatic, confused. It was lonely. I carried my secret for years and when I spoke out, things became so much worse. These are some of the issues that got me here, and while I used to wonder why these things ever happened, I can now say I feel my own purpose and calling in spite of them.

I have gone from being meek, people pleasing, and having irrational fears to feeling confident and secure within myself. I went from feeling everyone else’s feelings except my own, to living in my centered self, actually embracing my feelings. The shame that was not even mine slowly crumbled over time. I exchanged using substances to cope, with therapy where I was able to find my voice, discover my boundaries, a grow love for myself and the little girl in me that I had once despised. I now love and feel deserving of safe affection with safe people. I have honestly forgiven those who hurt me; not because it was the right thing to do, other people wanted me to, or because ‘forgiveness is for self, not the offender.’ I forgave because my body actually needed to be taught and needed its own time to release from that hurt. All of me deserved it. We all do.

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